Tag: Mental Illness

The Figure

The Figure

 

I wrote this poem for University a year ago, I was trying to personify depression make it something you could see physically. The figure in this poem is scary, ugly, dark and controlling which is what I feel what depression is.

 

The Figure

I edge through the scratched door.

There you are in the gloom,

Restlessly waiting for me.

Arms folded, head drooped.

You don’t look up as I enter,

You don’t have to see me.

Your black tangled filthy hair

Dangles on the dusty, dark floor.

Your dirty fingernails are sharp,

As the pool of blood drops down.

The fear is rising in my body,

As time goes reluctantly by.

Your head is slowly rising,

My heart starts to palpitate.

The sound of screaming,

Is ringing in my ears.

All I want is to escape,

But it’s keeping me in my place.

You look dead straight at me,

Your eyes are unblinking, lifeless.

You begin to shakily rise,

Like my presence brings you strength.

Your arm extends out to me,

You want me to join you.

With all my will power,

I step back as far as I can.

Your eyes slightly bulge in surprise,

And you roughly shake your bloody arm.

Your sinister eyes are now angry

As you suddenly grab at me.

Suddenly, I am alone,

I can feel it sinking in.

The figure isn’t real,

It is just in my head.

Yet it controls my life,

Makes me wish I was dead.

Everyone has their demons,

Yet mine seem to stay.

Dear my Depression,

 

Dear my depression,

You’re in my head constantly, you tell me I am not good enough and that I am worthless, that no one likes me. That people are trying to avoid me or find me annoying. You’re like a black cloud hovering over my head, even when something is making me happy, you poke holes in it and make me feel down.

Sometimes you make me cry uncontrollably to the point, where I struggle to stop and when I do within seconds I am crying again. You make it hard for me to get to sleep, you make it hard to leave my bedroom, you make me want to stay even though I know deep down I need human contact to bring me even just a little bit out of the darkness.

You are the reason I listen to sad songs and watch sad movies, you are the reason I struggle to keep friends because in the end I lie to them constantly about everything because I think it will make everything better. You are the reason I can’t get along with anyone because I mess it up.

When you leave, it’s like I can breathe again, I can get on with life and actually smile. I can get through the days without even a hint of sadness. I don’t sit in my bed or chair constantly thinking of everyone else around me having fun and leaving me out. I am satisfied with life and don’t have to constantly need something to look forward to because I am happy.

Instead of thinking about the beauty in life, all I see is the grotesque parts. I see the worst in everyone; I constantly think they hate me. I don’t trust what they are saying to me and think that they just want to hurt me. You make me think about the different ways I could commit suicide without even trying. I want to be free and at this current time, that way seems the only way out.

At the moment, you haven’t left for 4 weeks and that’s the longest time I have ever had to deal with you in the past 2 years. It’s getting so difficult to hold on, I feel like each time I am getting deeper and deeper into the water and soon I will be smothered in it.

I know these feelings aren’t real; it’s just a chemical imbalance in my brain that’s making me think all these things.  They seem so real though. I still believe that I am wrong, that I should not exist, I am not worth existing. I am the weak link in a chain. I feel like the sickness in this world that everybody wants rid of.

I wish I could be normal, I wish that I didn’t have to feel this way.  I don’t want medication, I don’t want a diagnosis. It will become too real otherwise. I don’t want my family to think I am weak; I want them to believe I am normal and can do anything. I don’t want them to worry.

You depression, you take this away from me. You take my future from me, you take my past.  You are my present. I hope soon I will  get the help I need and you will be gone, I can’t wait. It’s the only hope I have.

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I have seen people write these and I wrote this a while back but never had the guts to post it. As you can tell, I am still here now even though I know how awful I felt. For anyone who feels this way now, you will come out of it and it will get better but I know at this time it seems impossible because that’s how I felt when I wrote this.

I have started a blog in the hope that this helps anyone who doesn’t understand depression and how it feels. I think it’s a very serious  mental illness that many people underestimate. Some people think we are being silly or exaggerating which is why I can see why a lot of people don’t want to admit that they are feeling this way. I am one of those people, I hate to say it but I struggle to talk to anyone about it because I feel like they would not believe me. I know that people like me are good at hiding depression, we fake smile around others and say we are ‘fine’ but we aren’t. I hope with this letter/ post I can start to help myself also by getting myself to be brave and tell the truth.